Grief

"Grief That Gets Stuck: When Loss Doesn't Follow a Timeline"

Most people know that grief is difficult. What catches many people off guard is how long it lasts, how unpredictable it is, and — for some — how it doesn't seem to move at all.

There's a culturally embedded idea that grief follows a path. You go through a period of pain, and gradually things ease. Time heals. Life goes on. For many people, something roughly like this does happen, even if it's messier and slower than expected. But for others, grief becomes stuck. The loss remains as raw six years later as it did six months in. Or it settles into a chronic, low-level weight that colours everything without ever quite lifting.

This article looks at what distinguishes normal grief from complicated or prolonged grief, why some losses don't resolve, and what therapy for grief actually involves.

What Normal Grief Looks Like

Grief is the natural response to loss, and it doesn't have a standard form. It may involve sadness, anger, disbelief, guilt, relief, numbness, or any combination of these. It changes day to day and sometimes hour to hour. Early grief in particular is often chaotic — the psyche is working to absorb a change to reality that may feel impossible.

Most people who grieve do so without needing professional support. The pain is real and significant, but over time — and with the support of people around them — the acute distress softens. The person doesn't forget the loss, and they don't stop caring about it. But they find a way to hold it that allows them to re-engage with their life.

This process takes longer than most people are told. Expecting to feel substantially better in a few weeks is unrealistic for most significant losses. A year, two years, or more of adjustment is normal for major bereavements.

The Problem With Stages

The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — are probably the most widely cited framework in popular psychology. They are also widely misapplied.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who developed the model, was describing responses she observed in people facing their own terminal illness, not bereavement. The framework was never intended as a universal sequence that grieving people pass through in order. Grief does not move in stages, and the absence of a particular stage — or the presence of one in an unexpected order — says nothing meaningful about whether someone is grieving "correctly."

The stages model can be actively unhelpful when it leads people to believe they are doing grief wrong, or when it creates a timeline expectation that doesn't match reality. A person who is still grieving intensely after two years doesn't need to be told they're stuck in stage three.

Why Some Grief Gets Complicated

Complicated grief — also called prolonged grief disorder — is characterised by an intensity of grief that doesn't diminish over time and that significantly impairs functioning. It's not about how much you loved the person or how serious the loss was. Some losses are more likely to produce complicated grief than others.

Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous loss is loss without clear resolution. This might be the death of someone who was estranged, with whom the relationship was unfinished or actively painful. It might be the loss of someone to dementia — present but no longer the person they were. It might be the end of a relationship that was deeply significant but that the wider world doesn't recognise as a major bereavement.

Without clear boundaries around the loss, grief has nowhere to land. The usual social rituals of mourning — a funeral, a clearly defined before-and-after — may be absent.

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not socially recognised or legitimised. The loss of a long-term de facto partner who wasn't legally married. The loss of a pet. Pregnancy loss. The end of a friendship. In these situations, the person may receive little acknowledgment that their grief is real or significant, which can make the process of moving through it considerably harder.

The Complexity of the Relationship

When the relationship with the person who died was complicated — marked by conflict, ambivalence, abuse, or estrangement — grief can be difficult to process. There may be relief alongside the loss, or unresolved anger, or grief not only for the person but for the relationship that was never what you needed it to be. These layers don't resolve on their own.

Other Factors

Previous losses, pre-existing mental health difficulties, lack of social support, sudden or traumatic deaths, and multiple concurrent losses can all contribute to grief becoming prolonged or complicated.

When Grief Might Benefit From Therapy

Some markers that therapy could be useful:

• The grief has not softened substantially after a year or more
• You are avoiding people, places, or activities because of the loss
• You are struggling to function at work or in relationships
• You are using alcohol, substances, or other behaviours to manage the pain
• The grief is accompanied by significant guilt or anger that doesn't move
• You feel your grief isn't legitimate, or that others don't understand it

Grief that has become depressive, or that has developed into complicated grief disorder, is not simply a matter of time. It requires active support.

What Therapy for Grief Offers

Therapy for grief is not about persuading someone to get over a loss. Loss is permanent, and the relationship with the person who has died or gone doesn't end with their death or departure. What therapy offers is the possibility of finding a different way to carry that loss — one that doesn't require setting your life on hold indefinitely.

This might involve:

• Making space to grieve without time limits or social pressure
• Unpacking the complexity of the relationship and what the loss means
• Working through guilt, anger, or other feelings that have become stuck
• Finding a way to maintain a continuing bond with who was lost, on terms that are sustainable
• Addressing the changes to identity and daily life that a significant loss brings

The goal isn't to achieve acceptance as a final state. It's to find a relationship with the loss that allows you to live fully — including continuing to love the person you've lost.

Finding Support

If grief has become stuck or is affecting your daily life, speaking with a therapist can make a genuine difference. You don't need to wait until things feel unmanageable.

Paul Reid is a PACFA-registered psychotherapist with more than 15 years of clinical experience. Sessions are online and available across Australia.

To find out more, visit the grief and loss counselling page at counsellingtherapymelbourne.com.au.