Couples
"Couples Therapy: What to Expect in Your First Session"
Deciding to start couples therapy is one thing. Actually sitting down for the first session — whether together or separately — can feel quite different. Many couples arrive with a mix of hope and apprehension, often carrying assumptions about what is about to happen that may or may not reflect reality.
This article explains what a first session of couples therapy actually looks like, addresses some of the fears that are common going in, and covers how online couples therapy works. The aim is straightforward: to take some of the uncertainty out of the process so that the first session can be useful rather than just anxiety-provoking.
What Happens in the First Session
The first session is largely an assessment. The therapist is getting a picture of who you both are, what's brought you to therapy, and what the relationship looks like from each person's perspective.
Both partners get the opportunity to speak. A good therapist will manage the space so that the session doesn't become dominated by one person, and so that it doesn't deteriorate into the kind of argument that might happen at home. The therapist's job at this stage is to listen more than to advise.
You will likely be asked about the current presenting problem — what's happening in the relationship right now, what prompted you to make the appointment at this point — and about the history of the relationship. How you met, what has been good between you, when things began to shift. This historical context matters. It helps the therapist understand what you're working with rather than just what has gone wrong.
You may also be asked about yourselves as individuals: your backgrounds, your family histories, any previous therapy, what you hope to get out of this process.
By the end of the first session, the therapist should have enough of a picture to reflect back some initial observations and to begin forming a sense of how to work together. Some initial directions or hypotheses may be offered. There won't be a definitive treatment plan yet — that emerges over the first few sessions.
Common Fears Going In
"The therapist will take sides"
This is probably the most common concern, particularly for the partner who feels they may have been framed as the problem before the session has even started. A therapist working with a couple is not on anyone's side. They are working with the relationship — which means holding both people's perspectives, challenging both people where needed, and not allowing the work to become a prosecution.
If you find yourself in a situation where a therapist is clearly favouring one partner, that's worth raising, and if it continues, it's worth seeking someone else.
"Therapy will make things worse"
Opening up difficult material does sometimes produce a period of increased tension. When things that have been left unspoken start to be said, the short-term effect can feel destabilising. This is usually temporary — it's part of the process rather than a sign the therapy is failing.
That said, couples therapy is not a guarantee. There are situations where the work reveals that the relationship has reached a point where it cannot continue in its current form. When that happens, therapy can support both people in navigating that clearly rather than through prolonged conflict.
"My partner won't really engage"
Some people come to couples therapy because they feel it's a last resort — and sometimes one partner is more reluctant than the other. A therapist can work with resistance without forcing it. Often, the structure and neutrality of the therapy setting allows a less willing partner to engage more than they expected to.
If one partner is genuinely unwilling to be there, individual therapy may be more productive as a starting point. That's not a failure — it's a practical recognition of where things are.
How Online Couples Therapy Works
Online couples therapy is more flexible than many people expect. Practically, it works in two main ways:
Both partners in the same location: You attend the session together from a shared device — a laptop, tablet, or desktop computer. This replicates the experience of being in the same room most closely.
Partners in separate locations: Each person joins from their own device. This is common when partners are in different locations at the time of the session, or when the logistics of a shared screen don't work. It adds a slightly different dynamic, but doesn't undermine the work.
Both formats are functional. The key is having a reasonably private space where you can speak freely — this matters more than which platform you're using.
Video sessions allow the therapist to read body language and facial expression to a significant degree, which means the work is not substantially diminished compared to in-person sessions. Many couples find online therapy more accessible and easier to fit around work and other commitments.
When Couples Therapy Helps — and When Individual Therapy Might Come First
Couples therapy is most useful when both partners are present, reasonably safe, and able to engage. It works well for:
- Communication patterns that have become stuck
- Conflict that cycles without resolution
- Loss of intimacy or connection
- Rebuilding trust after a breach
- Navigating significant life transitions together
There are situations where individual therapy is a better starting point. If one or both partners are dealing with significant individual issues — untreated trauma, active addiction, significant mental health difficulties — those may need direct attention before couples work can be fully productive. This isn't a reason to delay seeking support; it's a reason to be clear about what kind of support will actually help.
In some cases, a combination of individual and couples therapy is the most effective approach. That's something a therapist can help you think through.
Getting Started
If you're considering couples therapy, the first session is an opportunity to get a sense of whether the therapist and the format feel right for you. It's reasonable to treat it as an assessment from your side as well.
Paul Reid is a PACFA-registered psychotherapist with more than 15 years of clinical experience working with individuals and couples. Sessions are conducted online and are available across Australia.
To find out more, visit the couples counselling and relationship counselling pages at counsellingtherapymelbourne.com.au.